


About dying stars and wasted chances

by nemo0



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: ....eventually, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drunken Kissing, First Kiss, Getting Together, M/M, lmao fine just read it, the happy ending is a bit later but well...beter late then nver amiright, they're real big dumbasses in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:13:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23375947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nemo0/pseuds/nemo0
Summary: Two stupid, reckless teenagers on a rooftop, two bottles of wine, few philosophical thoughts, a kiss, and a night that changed everything yet almost didn't happen at all.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 8
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

Richie takes a deep breath. He could do this. He could. He wasn’t a pussy. Well, actually that’s debatable. But anyway.

Just a few steps forward and he’ll see him. It’s no big deal. It’s only him. Him.

The surroundings are blurred, the sound muffled, like he’s underwater, barely able to grasp reality. He steps forward but it doesn’t feel real, nothing does. His eyes scan the room and of fucking course they lock with his immediately.

———–

Richie tilted his head back and looked at the setting sun above them. Richie and Eddie, being the stupid, reckless teenagers that they are, had decided to sit on the rooftop of Richie’s house.

Well, they did have the decency to come up with an excuse as to why they were doing that, that excuse being studying, but both knew that’s not going to happen. They have never been good with paying attention to anything else whenever they were together. This definitely was a thought that has occurred to Richie more than once at late nights when he couldn’t sleep, burning a hole in the ceiling from all the staring, as if by looking long enough at it, it would give some kind of answer.

They had settled quite close to the edge, the whole street stretching in front of them. They have been here for quite the while yet unsurprisingly hadn’t gotten any work done; their school books lay forgotten beside them. The sun was casting pink and orange shadows that were shining down on them, painting everything in a soft, warm light. At some point Richie had quickly ran back into his house and found a bottle of wine, which Eddie hadn’t been opposed to, this time even without the convincing that usually had to be done in order to have Eddie and alcohol in the same proximity. He has been getting progressively more rebellious against his mother’s controlling nature and Richie couldn’t be more proud.

His biggest step towards saying a huge fuck you to his mother probably was when he, with the help of Bev, had gotten a nose piercing. Richie had almost passed out when he saw it for the first time, - a small metal ring looping around his left nose wing. As if he wasn’t hot enough already. Richie was positive he had done that to make him hot under the collar as much as to piss Sonia off.

Eddie had showed up to his house later that day, grinning, his eyes shining with pure excitement, a result of showing Sonia yet again that he was his own person, and could no longer be locked away from the world, controlled, manipulated. Of course, there were days when things got hard again, Eddie was struggling, and the sweet words of his mother would lure him back in, but for that Richie and the rest of the losers were ready and always rushed to remind him of how far he’d gotten.

And Richie fell. He fell hard for this boy, that he most certainly didn’t have a chance with and who was currently holding the bottle of wine with one hand, perched up on his knee, resting his chin against the neck of the bottle. He was looking past the edge of the roof, at the sunset, and appeared to be deep in thought, brows furrowed and biting his lip. His nose ring glistened from the setting sun and his hair was moving slightly with the gentle, warm wind that was passing by.

“A penny for your thoughts, spaghetti man?” Richie asked, deciding to break the silence, forever the trashmouth, never being able to be quiet for long.

“Don’t call me that, dickface. You know I hate it,” Eddie replied, however, he hadn’t moved his eyes from where they were focused on something far away. His voice didn’t hold the same intensity that it usually did. Everything he did was like that, full with burning passion, determined and fierce. Nothing about him was insubstantial or uncertain. He was pure fire, warming those he loved and burning those who he didn’t. Well, if that didn’t make Richie weak in the knees.

But now he sounded far away, his voice thin like paper, see-through almost. Something was clearly bothering him.

“Fine, whatever you say, Eddie-bear.” He specifically chose that nickname, knowing that it usually riled Eddie up to no end.

Eddie’s gaze seemed to unlock from the spot where it had been focused on in order to roll his eyes yet he still didn’t look at Richie. “Ugh fuck you, that’s worse, you sound like my mother.”

"Eddie-teddy-bear then?”

“No, no fucking way.”

“Spaghetti-bear?”

“Dude just shut the fuck up before I push you off this roof.” He shook his head, but kept avoiding Richie’s eyes.

Richie frowned. He could keep this up all day, and so did Eddie probably, but it was clear that something was still bothering him. Well, here goes nothing then. "But seriously, what’s up dude, what were you thinking about just now? You seemed deep in thought.”

Eddie signed deeply. He looked tired, like a heavy weight was put on his shoulders, dragging him down. “Dunno. Just.. I hate it at home. I hate it so much. All this?” he gestured at his nose, “ and this,” he lifted the wine bottle from his knee, the liquid inside shaking slightly, “is all good and fine, I finally don’t need to be my mom’s little puppet, but then again it feels like a fake façade that putting up because when I go home and she’s there and keeps saying those things, it all crumbles down. Everything I’ve done seems insignificant because she says something like, see, Eddie-bear, you’re going crazy without me. That is a disease, and I can help you get better, because you’re sick. And I try to tune it out and I try to not let it go to my head. But.. It’s hard,” he rushed out, voice cracking at the end.

He still hasn’t looked at Richie, admitting his true feelings still being a struggle. Richie’s no stranger to that. His heart swelled uncomfortably at Eddie’s words, it hurts him to no end to hear Eddie sill to this day being affected by his mother’s words. Richie has never hated Sonia more. Despite the inappropriate sex jokes and all.

“Eds, please look at me,” Richie whispered, trying to sound firm but even he heard the desperate tone his voice was in. However, still Eddie took a deep breath as he tilted his head back before turning it in Richie’s direction, locking his eyes with his.

“Eddie, Eds, I’ve said this to you a million times and I will say it a million times more if I need to. You are not your mom’s puppet, and this,” he made the same hand gestures Eddie did before, “does mean something. It means hell of a lot; it means you have gone a long ass way already. Few years back you wouldn’t have even dared to make a fucking piercing. And look at you now. Eds, a fucking piercing! But that’s not even the most important part. The most important part is that you have started to say no to your mom and that’s not a façade, Eds. It’s real and it does reflect in your actions. Hell, dude, you’re getting hammered with me on a fucking rooftop. Whatever she says to you, it’s bullshit. And I know deep down you know that too." 

It looked like the light within Eddie had started to return. Not that everything was fixed magically, which it probably won’t be ever, but at least the weight seemed to be a bit easier to carry. Eddie smiled a small smile at Richie. "Fuck, Rich. I don’t even know what to say. Thank you for that, I really needed that.”

Richie couldn’t help but return the smile. “Any time, Eds.”

At that Eddie groaned and rolled his eyes yet again. “Okay, now would be a good time to stop calling me that.”

Richie’s smile grew into a smirk. "Not a chance, Eds!” He exclaimed, dragging out the words slowly for emphasis.

“Okay, shut the fuck up, Tozier. Do you have another one of these?” He shook the almost empty wine bottle, “Cause I want to get shit-faced.”

Richie did indeed have another one of these, or rather his parents did, but well. Sometimes you have to make certain sacrifices.

An hour, or more, nobody wasn’t counting anymore, later, both of them were pretty drunk, laughing a bit too loudly about Richie doesn’t even remember what, because Eddie’s laugh is the best thing in the whole god damn universe and makes him forget pretty much everything else.

They had lied down on the rooftop, shoulder to shoulder, staring up at the sky. It was clear, no clouds in sight, the stars were glistening brightly in the deep darkness that had settled around them.

Eddie went quiet for a moment, then said, "You know what’s funny?”

“Your face?”

“Fuck off. No, that there are stars that like..don’t exist anymore. Or something. Like, they’ve exploded, died or whatever, but it’s still possible to see them. Because of the.. The way the light travels or something. It takes the light like hundreds, thousands or millions of light years to get here. And in that time it’s already dead. But the chances of us actually seeing that is like.. Fuck I don’t remember, but they’re like, very low. It’s weird, man. Dying stars.” Eddie slurred, the alcohol clearly taking its toll on him, yet also making him all philosophical.

Apparently Richie’s drunken brain did not want to comprehend topics like that so he giggled instead and pointed his finger and him, “Damn Eds, didn’t know you were a scientist.”

Eddie, intending to swat the finger away, missed by long shot, instead slapping Richie’s cheek. “I’m not, I just actually pay attention in most classes unlike somebody.”

“I’m like.. still better than you at al- "he hiccupped, "algebra.”

Eddie let out a snort at that. “Well that’s because you’re a fucking nerd."

“I’m the nerd?” Richie sounded outraged, “Who was just explaining me..What were we talking about? The secrets of the universe?" 

“Not really the secrets of the universe. Just weird things.”

“You’re weird,” Richie giggled again, shakily perching himself on his elbow. 

“Who’s to fucking speak,” Eddie said, giggling himself. He lightly pushed Richie, making him almost fall flat on his back. 

“Hey!”

“You deserved it, dickface!”

“Oh, it’s on Kaspbrak!”

And how they ended up with Richie actually flat on his back and Eddie leaning over him from the side, holding him down by holding him by the wrists, they did not know nor they wanted to. They were still laughing openly until there was a sudden change in the air, making them quiet down and actually take in the sudden closeness of their bodies, as much as their drunken minds allowed.

Richie let out a shaky breath, looking down at the hem of Eddies t-shirt, suddenly afraid of what he might see upon looking up, at Eddie. Who was gently moving his thumb over Richie’s wrist.

He felt Eddie’s breath next to his face and with great difficulty he lifted his eyes to look into his. Which turned out to be looking directly onto his lips. Without thinking he run his tongue over them, Eddie followed the movement and then finally lifted his gaze as well. His eyes were dark and hooded.

Richie’s whole brain short-circuited right then and there, all kinds of different alarms going off in his heard at once, his heart beating out his chest. He felt like he maybe needed to say something, maybe confess right here and now, but his thoughts were all over the place and he was unable to get a grip on a single word.

And then Eddie was already moving closer and closer, getting rid of the last distance between them and placing his lips onto Richie’s. And who was Richie and his drunken mind to stop that.

It was desperate and a little uncoordinated, but damn, it was the best god damn thing Riche’s ever felt. They kissed like they were starving and each other’s lips were the only thing that could save them. Like Eddie did everything, he kissed Richie with the very same burning passion, not holding back in the slightest. Richie felt his hand in his hair, pulling it not so gently, so he couldn’t help but to arch his back to get closer to Eddie, always closer. They kissed until they lost their breaths, already intoxicated brains getting even dizzier than before. His own hand found home on Eddies jaw, and it was perfect, it was so fucking perfect, so of course it couldn’t last.

Eddie pulled away at last, leaving Richie to chase his lips and lose his balance in the process. Eddie chuckled at that, his breath ghosting over Richie’s kiss swollen lips and steadied him by putting his hand on his shoulder.

Richie looked at Eddie, who was looking back at him fiercely, and then frowned. No, he had to say something, he was positive that after all this, it was a good confirmation as any that Eddie did in fact like him back, but he still needed to be sure. He still needed to hear it.

He managed to grip onto some kind of sense, trying to string together words that could possibly explain everything that he’s felt for so long. Eddie was still looking at him deeply when he finally spoke, “Eds, I-”

But Eddie cut him off, “You don’t have to worry, it’s just for tonight, Rich. It doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s just for tonight.” He sounded a bit choked up, like it hurt saying that, but that was probably from the drinking, Richie thought.

“Just for tonight..” Richie mirrored, feeling this perfect bliss falling to pieces. Eddie clearly didn’t feel the same way, if he needed to reassure that it was only one time thing. Somewhere deep in him, he may or may not have heard his heart breaking.

“Yeah..” Eddie whispered, already moving in again.

Richie had half a mind to stop this, since it clearly wasn’t what he really wanted. One night was not enough by long shot. But then again, his feeling be damned, if Eddie was kissing him here and now, then he will take his chances, because they might never come again. Yes, he might want more than one night, yes he might want a ‘forever’ with him or whatever, but fuck it. Sometimes in life you had to make difficult choices. And Richie made his. He met Eddie halfway, leaning up and letting his heart get more broken with each swipe of Eddies lips against his own.

Who cared about forever anyway? His forever was here and now, right on Eddie’s lips that were pushing against his, in his teeth that were biting his lip, on his hands that were roaming over his body, pulling his hair, slipping under his shirt, it was in the wine that he could smell on both of their breaths, taste in Eddie’s mouth. Forever was the last rays of the dying sun, it was the stars that had probably long died; forever was this one night and this one night only. A forever hidden somewhere between 'always’ and 'never’. He will hold and cherish this here and now and always and never like the stars that had already died, but still visible because of the impossible ways that the universe worked. That’s how Richie will remember this moment, for however long will it go, forever. His dying star. And that’s what kept him going. Okay and maybe also the wine was playing its part, liquid courage as they call it or whatever.

And that’s how they stayed, Richie wasn’t sure for how long. After all, time was nonexistent tonight. All he knew that the wine bottles were empty, he felt dizzy as hell and at some point they had gotten off of the rooftop, both stumbling and giggling.

Richie for sure knew that there had been a warm body next to his when he fell asleep, but when he awoke, the bed was cold and empty. “Only one night” he whispered to himself as he tried to ignore the deep ache in his heart that was making its presence known, wiping away one betraying tear that had slipped out against his will, “Only one night.”

Not that he expected anything when next seeing Eddie at school, but somehow it still stung that Eddie didn’t seem to acknowledge anything of that night. Not that he did either, but well. First moves weren’t his strong suit.

Time went by, and yes, Richie knew it was foolish to wait, to hope, to dare to dream. They went on with their lives, to being friends, but somehow Eddie seemed far, far away, now that he had tasted the possibility of him being close.

At some point he even started questioning whether the night was even real or he had just dreamt it all. The star had died and the light was slowly going out too.

Oh, those drunken thoughts about dying stars, - only foolish, foolish excuses for a broken heart. 

———–

The memory hits Richie like a fucking brick in the face. 27 years had passed of absolutely nothing and of course this is the first full memory he remembers of Eddie Kaspbrak. And then comes the rest. The longing. So many years of it.

He blinks and registers that his eyes are still locked with Eddie’s, so he quickly looks away. He wants to say something but has no idea what. It feels like he has come out of the water, the world no longer muffled, but instead now it’s too loud, too intense, too much, the reality of the situation hitting him hard. 

The night went on and Richie felt himself falling right back in love with Eddie. Maybe the stars hadn’t gone out after all, despite the long years spent separate and all.


	2. About dying stars and second chances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything in him screamed to drown the memory in a bottle, but he, perhaps for the first time ever, screamed back, that he wants to keep it to himself, he wants to remember it, he wants the memory to live on, in which ever plane of existence it was on, in whichever time it was hidden in. And for some weird reason he wanted that for Eddie too. 
> 
> Perhaps that night was real afterall and perhaps they simply were too stupid and drunk to realize. Now, well, they're still stupid, but at least they're no longer shit-faced, so maybe some unsaid things can finally be said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of yall wanted a second chapter so here it is! Sorry it took so long!

The dark night sky had finally settled over Derry and a strange, eerie even, calm came with it.

Richie hadn't been able to sleep, for obvious reasons, so he had decided to go out for some fresh air. The night was quite cold, causing goosebumps rise on his skin and cheeks go pink. But it felt good. To feel something real, - everything else surely didn't.

He felt like the world had come to an abrupt stop - everything was moving so fast - the call from Mike, returning to Derry, Pennywise, all of it. And now, it was somehow, over.

The cigarette he had lit was hanging loosely in between his lips, the smoke rising above him in a big cloud. He had actually stopped smoking at one point, turning to alcohol instead, so the smell was giving him nostalgia stronger than the effect of the cigarette.

This, however, definitely was an occasion for a smoke, at least in Richie's understanding. They had defeated IT, quite successfully so, and he couldn't be more grateful. Yet he couldn't help but to feel there were some unfinished businesses which did leave a bittersweet taste on his tongue. The memory of that one life changing night lingered at the back of his mind every time he looked at Eddie, rubbing more salt into the wound each time.

He was standing on the porch, right outside the hotel they all were staying in for one last night, before leaving as fast they could the next morning. None of them wanted to stay here, and reasonably so.

And don't get Richie wrong, he more than anything wanted to get the hell out of here and never return, the trauma this place caused, the old wounds that it had ripped open once again upon returning; all of it was driving him mad.

Yet that one drunken night, that forsaken night, that had changed the whole track of Richie’s life forever. Nothing after was the same, and even if both of them refused to acknowledge it, it didn’t make it less true. Like you can’t unbreak a shattered plate, you can’t ever unmake the cracks in their perfectly established, polished and carefully, without a doubt selected position: “friends” and nothing more, put on a pedestal, like a fragile, fragile china, the smallest of nudges against it pushing it closer to the edge. And god forbid it met the hard floor of reality, that none of them seemed to be able to face.

Back then even thinking of that night seemed dirty and just plain wrong, Richie felt like it didn’t even belong in this time and space, the memory, as his drunken mind had helpfully supplied that night, buried somewhere between always and never, making it impossible to trace back to this life, this Richie and this Eddie, even trying to string it together with this life felt disrespectful to it. It was far, far out of reach, only allowed to watch from afar, because the closer he got, the more it faded away into nothingness. It might as well could have been those stupid stars Eddie was blabbering about with the help of heavy dose of wine.

However now some things have changed. Now, they weren’t stupid teenagers with their whole lives right in front of them, not a care in the world. Richie had forced himself to think it was quite ridiculous to think of memories that way, to bury them in dumb metaphors, as an excuse to hide the painful parts. He just got blackout drunk to ease the ache these days, and it seemed to do the work quite as well.

But something about this one particular memory didn’t allow him to do that now. Everything in him screamed to drown it in a bottle, but he, perhaps for the first time ever, screamed back, that he wants to keep it to himself, he wants to remember it, he wants the memory to live on, in which ever plane of existence it was on, in whichever time it was hidden in. And for some weird reason he wanted that for Eddie too.

As dumb as it sounded to his own ears, he wanted Eddie to know how he felt that night and how he still feels now. That the night is long gone, but the feeling is burned in his mind, skin, bones and heart, each step, each breath, each beat reminding him of its presence. Of course it could be the rush of adrenaline that was still flowing in his veins like a live wire, the images he saw in the deadlights were suffocating him, forever now engraved in his mind to supply his nightmares later but perhaps it was the beer he had earlier, but all in all, Richie had never wanted Eddie to just know, to understand, and to just acknowledge the memory as real this much. Because maybe he was tired of flying around in space all by himself. Because maybe was tired of screaming in the void, only ever hearing the hollow echo of his own aching heart. But yet whenever he tried, the words just got more and more tangled even before they left his mouth.

Richie leaned against the railing with his back, and let out a big puff of smoke. He thought about the fact that he, literally a grown man, couldn’t just say, hey, man that kiss? Yeah well it meant something to me. Maybe he was too much of a coward to do so, or maybe the world had made him into one. He didn't know for sure, but he did know that having a crush on one person all his life and not confessing once was, in fact, quite pathetic.

So deep in thought, he didn't hear the hotel door opening and somebody stepping out behind him.

“You know I've always hated those things.” A voice made him jump out of surprise and turn his head in their direction, instincts kicking in to instantly fight whatever’s caused the sound.

But it was only Eddie. 'Only' being an understatement, of course, because Eddie had never been 'only Eddie'.

Eddie was pointing at his cigarette. Richie chuckled. “If you're here to talk me out of it, you can go back in, cause that ain't happening.” He said, looking ahead, something stopped him from looking directly at Eddie. Maybe it was the general idea of the person he liked just being there, how ever pitiful that sounded, and he was afraid of accidentally saying something and crossing a line. Or maybe he couldn't look at Eddie because he couldn't bear the thought that Eddie was, in fact, married, straight and quite frankly, soon returning to his wife and probably didn’t even remember that one night that has legitimately moved into his mind like a god damn apartment. Either way, it all circled back to Richie being pathetically, utterly whipped for Eddie Kaspbrak, a straight, married man, who kissed him once while being drunk. Honestly, how unlucky Richie had to be to get into a mess like this.

“No, not here to judge you,” Eddie replied simply, and walked over to where Richie was perched against the railing and stood next to him. “Actually, pass me that shit.”

And that finally made Richie turn his head to look at Eddie, eyes wide with shock. He raised one eyebrow, “What am I hearing, Eddie-Spaghetti, Mr. I-worry-about-everything-and-anything, the person who probably has signed like at least 15 different petitions to ban all cigarettes, wants to take a drag? Did I die and get sent to an alternative universe or what?”

Eddie shook his head and looked Richie in the eyes, and while there was uncertainty glistening within them, his gaze never faltered and the determination most certainly overtook as he said, “Give me the damn cigarette, Richie, I think it’s clear we all need one after all of this bullshit.” He looked like a man fighting for one last resort, the only thing that'd give him satisfaction after years of searching.

Something in that look made Richie take the right cigarette out of his mouth instantly and pass it to Eddie, who had already extended his hand, two fingers raised, “Jesus, okay, okay dude, chill the fuck out, here is the fucking cigarette.”

Richie watched as Eddie slowly raised it to his lips and took a hesitant smoke. He instantly started coughing violently, clasping his hand over his chest and then at his pant pockets, no doubt looking for his inhaler out of habit.

Richie laughed, “You smoke like a beginner, dude.”

“Fuck you, better a beginner, than 40 year old rotting lungs.” Eddie wheezed, still not entirely getting used to the cigarette. He still hasn’t given it back though.

“Actually I stopped smoking; it's my liver that's getting rotten.” Richie replied when Eddie finally had stopped wheezing and his breathing was back to normal. Also, he felt his cheeks getting a bit warm, and not from the cold, - he couldn't deny that seeing Eddie perched against the railing, holding the cigarette between his fingers was doing things to him. Even after all these years it still felt kind of dirty to look at a man in that way, and he almost turned his gaze away but then Eddie looked at him with a questioning look. Richie signed; he really didn't want to get into it as it did pull a painful string in his heart. But then again, what didn't.

“Come on, Tozier, it can't be worse than me marrying the literal clone of my mother.” Eddie said, looking Richie deeply in the eyes, as if challenging him. Those god dammed eyes that had never once had failed to make his brain to malfunction.

Richie laughed, but it came out strained, “And here I thought out of us two, I'd be the one marrying your mother.”

Eddie shoved him not so lightly with his shoulder, making Richie almost stumble. For a man his height, he had quite the strength, Richie had to admit. Kind of hot in his option, but whatever.

“Dude, you already know about my shitty life, I want to know about yours.” Eddie once again pressed his shoulder to Richie's, this time not showing, but simply touching, comforting. Richie barely held in a shiver.

After overcoming the small breakdown about them being this close, he finally registered Eddie's words. Shitty life? What about it was shitty? Sure, he poked fun at Eddie marrying a woman twice his size and having the most boring job in human history, but he hadn't actually thought that Eddie didn't enjoy those things.

Maybe his brain was ever so desperately trying to hide such this in plain sight, completely making him deny even the smallest of chances that maybe Eddie might not be so far away from him as he seemed.

Noticing Richie's silence, Eddie nudged his shoulder and passed him back his cigarette. Richie nodded thanks and took a deep drag and slowly blew out the smoke, both of them watching as it faded into the air.

After taking another drag he finally gathered his thoughts and spoke, feeling strange saying such things out loud. “First of all, there's nothing much to say. I'm just a sad excuse of an adult, living half comedian, half loner life and drowning my sorrows with alcohol. There, my whole life explained in a few words,” He tapped his cigarette with this finger, the ashes falling to the ground, “Second of all, no, I didn't know your life is shitty.” He added, looking back at Eddie with the same questioning look he had previously.

Eddie raised an eyebrow at him, “I thought that was made clear when I said that I married a woman that pretty much is my mother. But if your thick skull needs it spelled out, then, yes, my life is shitty because I am in a fucked up, unhappy marriage that I didn't even want to get into in the first place.”

Richie felt guilty for the rush of excitement that ran trough him upon hearing that. Not that he was happy that Eddies life was shit, but at least it meant that Richie wasn’t entirely alone as well as that meant his marriage probably was only temporary commitment. That didn’t change the obvious being straight obstacle, but still. “Then why the fuck aren't you divorcing her?” He asked, hoping his voice didn't sound as thrilled about the idea as he felt.

“I've been thinking about it,” Eddie then raised his left hand showing that it didn't bear a ring, “but it's not that easy.” He dropped the hand, it hitting the railing lightly. He signed and looked ahead, a dark shadow of aching heaviness glooming over his face. Richie felt that feeling deep in his bones.

He took another drag from the cigarette, and signed as well. This place had really ruined them for good.

They settled in a hesitant type of silence, the heaviness of their lives vivid in the air. Hesitant because while wanting to talk, the topics seemed to always circle back to the same dept, the same old painful wounds that had never seemed to have closed.

Richie took one last drag out of the cigarette and then turned and rubbed the butt against the railing, putting out the lit part and then leaned over to throw it in the trash can. Then he settled back where he was, still pressed against Eddie.

Being this close certainly did things to him, just feeling Eddie's warm body, his whole being, so entirely him, right next to him was calming and pretty much lit Richie's insides on fire at the same time. Richie longed this feeling to go on forever. Like a spoiled child this heart screamed for more, please more, and with everything he had he tried to tame it, but you know how they are, children and hearts, they want what they want, and no amount of silencing them will settle them down. Once again, the memory of that night rang like an alarm trough his mind, making him remember the way it had felt to let his heart to just feel instead if trying to tie it up in barbed wire to forever keep it from escaping. 

“You know, Eddie, do you..do you remember..” Richie started, but once again the words just seemed to be flowing away the second he thought he had a grip on them. He felt his throat do dry and hands tremble, the memory finally shaping its self into reality, finally finding a real place where to anchor its self down. It felt raw and exposed, so many years had it been wrapped in a safety blanket of simply being ignored or forgotten.

He was about to dismiss it, to just say it’s nothing, to leave it be, to let he sharp edges of it dig into his heart painfully for the rest of his time, but the way Eddie was looking at him, genuine, eyes gentle and honestly curious and maybe a little concerned, made him rethink it.

He took a deep breath. If he could fight a killer clown, twice, then he could do it. He thought of Eddie being one of the bravest god damn people he’s ever known, and knew, that maybe, just maybe he could borrow some of that strength too.

“Do you remember that night on my rooftop, when we got drunk as hell?”

He heard Eddie take a sudden, sharp intake of breath and then nothing. Talk about pin being able to be heard being dropped. So, Eddie does remember, at least that’s out of the way, it sure would be quite awkward to explain.

Richie couldn’t look at Eddie, too afraid what he might see, so since Eddie hadn’t spoken, and Richie, always needing to fill the silence, continued, “So after that second bottle of wine you know how we..how we..”

“Kissed?”

Here is the pin being dropped again, because now Richie was robbed of words to say. Instead he nodded dumbly, still not looking at Eddie, not being sure if he even saw.

But turns out he did see, because Eddie, in a whisper so quiet Riche barely heard, uttered, “Yeah, Richie. I remember.”

Richie took a shuddering breath. This was it then. He’s going to say it, face a polite, perfectly packaged rejection on silver platter, Eddie-style, meant to cause the least harm, as if saying it nicer would be like blowing on a wound. Well, blowing on a wound my ass, everyone knows that only lessens the pain for a few seconds max until it’s right back at the start. “Well, the kiss, it actual-”

But Richie didn’t get to finish, because it looked like Eddie had adapted Richie’s ever running, awkward mouth as words fell out of his mouth mile a minute, “Shit, Richie, I’m sorry for what I’m about to say, but I can’t hold it in anymore. That night, I know you only saw it as a one time thing, so I panicked and said that it didn’t mean anything, but god Richie, when I say to you, it did, it so did, and it..still does, and I can’t stop thinking ab-”

“Eddie,” Richie interrupted quietly.

Eddie took a shaky breath, then in a panicked voice replied, “Yeah?”

Richie felt like his heart is going to fucking explode and with all his will he tried to keep calm. “I thought you wanted it to be one time thing.”

Eddie seemed to be a bit out if it as he asked, “What?” 

“You said it yourself dude!” Richie exclaimed, maybe a bit too loud, this nerves taking the toll on him.

“Yeah only because I panicked because as we pulled away you frowned, and I thought you were about to call me disgusting or something!” Eddie, matching Richie’s tone, yelled back.

Richie run his hand trough his hair, approximately one second away to totally losing it, “Dude I was legitimately about to confess to you!”

“Shit.”Eddie looked truly at loss of words. Richie could practically feel his thoughts running marathons in his mind. “Shit, oh god, Richie, fuck. I fucked it all up. I-I am so sorry, I just thought, I just panicked I was so scared I-”

Richie didn’t yet know whether he would touch Eddie but he desperately wanted to comfort him, to calm him, anything, so he tried the best he could with words, “No, no, Eddie please breathe, it’s okay, its fine, I wanted to say something afterwards but then-”

“Why didn’t you?”

“You didn’t either!”

“True, fuck but I still can’t believe I fucked up our chances to.. to you know..” He gestured vaguely between them as if to represent their mess of an almost-relationship.

Richie chuckled nervously, “Eds, seriously, it’s okay. Better late than never right?”

They both looked at each other and in that exact moment the reality if the situation truly hit, - they just confessed that they both as dumb teenagers had been scared and lost and in love with each other. And now they’re still scared and lost, but with each step towards each other a little less. But the love had not wavered at all.

“We’re fucking stupid, aren’t we?” Richie breathed, heart beating out of his chest.

“Yeah, real fucking stupid,” Eddie agreed.

And like glass shatters the wall between them, so carefully built, each brick made to keep them apart, to hide the obvious in plain sight.

And then they are diving in, taking that one last step before the leap.

They met each other halfway, desperate lips meeting each other after years of separation. And this time it isn’t any less desperate and uncoordinated, however now for entirely different reasons. Good to know Eddie hadn’t lost his flame, Richie thought, because he was not holding back whatsoever, kissing with the same burning passion he did that night. The overwhelming feeling was making him dizzy, so he put his hands around Eddie's face as Eddie’s wrapped around his waist.

Eddie turned out to be quite bold, leading the kiss, leaving Richie to follow, which he was only glad to do. Eddie pushed his tongue against Riches lips, asking for permission, Richie granting it immediately. Fat chance he'd let the opportunity of having Eddie Kaspbrak’s tongue down his throat pass.

They easily found a rhythm, their whole bodies falling into sync, pushing and pulling, becoming one. Richie didn't want to seem that desperate, but he couldn't help himself, he pulled Eddie as close as he could, but soon learned that Eddie shared the same desperation as he did the same.

They pulled apart and panted into each other’s mouths, foreheads still pressed tightly together. Richie's emotions were going off the charts, tears threatening to spill out any second now. He willed them to stop; it would be quite embarrassing to cry while the love of your life just kissed the shit out of you.

And just like all those years ago an overwhelming urge to just declare his feelings for Eddie overcomes him, but this time it’s not liquid courage making him speak and this time Eddie is not scared either, so he’s not stopping Richie from saying,

“I’m in love with you, Eddie.”

And because nothings stopping Eddie this time either, he smiles a smile that transfers years and years or regret and longing mixed with pure relief, and says it back, “I’m in love with you too, Richie.”

And this time it’s not hurt what Richie feels when he lets Eddie kiss him senseless, its happiness. And no stars are involved this time because who needs old rocks in the sky when you have the person you love in your arms. With each swipe of lips two lonely, trembling and scared hearts found the home they've been searching for their whole life, the broken pieces slowly threading together.

Eventually they had to pull apart for breath. And then Richie couldn't stop the tears, a small sob escaping him. It felt like being finally being able to breathe again, nothing but pure relief passing through his whole body, knocking the breath out of his lungs.

He never, in any world, had thought that anything like this would be able to happen. He closed his eyes and lifted his head against the sky, a tear running down his face. "Fuck.." he whispered, scrunching his eyes tightly together.

Eddie put both of his hands on Richie's face, wiping at the tears. "Hey, Rich, it's okay, I've got you.."

That only made Richie sob harder, so Eddie pulled him into a bone crushing hug, starting to rock them from side to side, quietly murmuring words of comfort, repeating that he’s sorry over and over again and gently petting his back with one hand, and his hair with the other.

He did that until Richie had somewhat calmed down. When he felt like he could breathe again, he pulled back and saw Eddie looking at him with those big, beautiful eyes; there were tear tracks on his face too. Still he put his hands back on Richie’s face and gently fixed his glasses that had gotten crooked while hugging and kissing. This man is going to be the death of him, Richie thought.

Eddie then all of a sudden stepped back and coughed, "Fuck, I'm never smoking again, and you aren't either, this is so disgusting," he exclaimed, and cleared his throat repeatedly, pretending to gag.

That made Richie chuckle. He then finally allowed himself to look at Eddie, really look at him, to see him, not only in stolen glances that felt dirty and wrong, but in the way he deserved to be seen. His eyes mapped his face, looking at each and every line and crook the time had created, how life had treated Eddie, and he will ask him about it all, he will talk with him till his voice is gone, and he will trace every one of those lines with his hands and he will try to never again feel dirty for doing it, he will be proud and not ashamed, because he is free and so is his heart, its healing, its mending the broken parts and drying the tears and no longer guarded harder than fucking Mona Lisa or something, because has finally let his feeling to exist here and now and tomorrow and for the rest of days. They are no longer just dying stars, untouchable and hidden away, now they are real, they are limitless, they could be the whole god damn universe for all he cared, because fuck it, he will not be masking them anymore. He loved Eddie Kaspbrak, a man, always has and always will; he’s no longer alone in space, he’s in the arms of a man he loves. Though, for now he has only one question.

“Hey, where did your piercing go?”

Eddie snorted at that and subconsciously traced the place on his nose that once beared the little silver ring with his thumb, “Myra, my wife, hated it and made me take it out. It’s long gone, Rich.”

Richie frowned, pictures of young Eddie with that piercing flooding his mind, “Damn, that sucks, it looked so hot on you, those punk vibes really suited you.”

Eddie smirked at that, leaned in and whispered while pretending to fix the collar of Richie’s jacket, “Well, then wait till you see my tattoos.”

Richie’s eyes instantly widened, cheeks turning pink, “Wait what? What tattoos?

But Eddie’s smirk only grew bigger as he winked and turned to walk back into the hotel.

“Eddie, seriously what tattoos??”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> Happy Easter everyone, stay safe yall and spend it home this year! (If it's bad at home, im adopting you, just dm me and ill send you the adoption papers)
> 
> Tumblr: nemo1230


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